Because the vast majority of victims of domestic violence are women, male victims are reluctant to come forward and may be disbelieved or dismissed when they do. In a highly personal piece Jack Blennim argues that there is no gender equity for the victims of spousal abuse.
Domestic Abuse is an international problem, which does not discriminate against race, colour, rich, poor, male, or female. It includes financial, verbal, and physical abuse. Yet in the case of thousands of men who suffer, some of whom are killed, it is perceived that, "He must have done something to deserve it" or "Just smack her in the mouth." Yet I and many other victims of spousal abuse could not nor would ever consider raising a hand against a woman. A fact my first wife knew.
At 23 I married my first wife who was 21. Within 12 hours I experienced my first slap in the face after accidentally spilling a glass of water. 48 hours later I was beaten and raped for arriving home 20 minutes later than planned. It marked the beginning of a long and violent journey of married life with repeated acts of violence and rape that finally ended with her death in December 2005 from cancer. I was now 41.
Male rape differs from female rape. A man is sexually aroused by the event, sending out two opposing messages. Yet this only adds to the feelings of worthlessness, guilt, fear, loneliness, disgust, and confusion. It is easy to believe it was my fault and that I had done something to deserve it. However that was not true. Other male victims of rape often experience mockery from the unsympathetic. One victim a few months ago reported an incident to his local police station in the USA after he was attacked, beaten, and raped by his female partner. The officer behind the desk laughed and said, "Well, looks like you got some tonight!" Many countries still have no law at all to protect men against domestic violence or rape.
One man wrote to me and said, "When it comes to women reporting domestic violence, she will have tons of support services available to her from shelters to the mental health community. When a man reports domestic violence he is left to his own devices because a shelter for battered men is almost impossible to find. He is told to keep a stiff upper lip. The system will not and does not think a man needs help. The system consists of shelters, police, hospitals, and mental health services."
There is a great injustice and an imbalance of law and support shown to male victims the world over. Another male victim whom we will call ‘M’ to protect his identity, told me how he experienced being punched and beaten with a stiletto shoe in the hotel room he stayed in with his wife. He tried to stop the attack by grabbing hold of her wrists in an attempt to restrain her. She screamed and shouted in temper to such a point that hotel security came in. Instead of arresting the abuser, ‘M’ was the one charged with assault. Police, who then failed to examine his injuries that proved his story of abuse was true, took him away. That young man is still traumatised by his experience and is broken in spirit. He is also a serving soldier who is now based in Iraq.
Children also suffer when seeing a parent abused, yet when a father is beaten, a child’s word is often disbelieved when stating to the authorities what they have witnessed. They are placed under more pressure than necessary. Father’s rights can be seriously eroded if they then chose to leave the violence, and it can become a nightmare to gain access rights to their children, for in many cases, a father is seen to have abandoned the family home and responsibilities.
Post traumatic shock, nightmares, panic attacks, even suicidal thoughts are the legacy of domestic abuse. Even I have attempted suicide in the past where it seemed there was no escape after I contacted a member of social services. A welfare officer came to my home whilst I was at work and spoke in detail about my allegations of spousal abuse with my wife. My return home that evening resulted in a beating so bad it left me with cuts, bruises, and broken bones. The attack was so severe I urinated in my trousers with fear. The strength of a woman when angry should never be underestimated.
Domestic abuse is emotionally the same for both sexes except in one major aspect. A woman is far more likely to be believed and to have the support on hand that they need and deserve. Yet men too require the same level of support. The law needs updating, dedicated services, and shelters should be available. However most of all, the subject needs to come from out of the shadows and into the light.
- How should men's health organisations like the EMHF approach a sensitive and complex issue like domestic violence which is traditionally seen as a woman's health issue? Send your views to office@emhf.org
